But before you go and wait in that food line with a couple hundred people you’ve never seen before (yes, they all work somewhere in the warren of cubicles that surround you) and shake hands with the grown ups who run the place, you need to review these basic survival tips.
Tip 1. Dealing with the Christmas Guy. You know who he is – the guy in the office who is always complaining. The guy that shows up each morning with a copy of the Washington Times prominently folded under his arm and who ends every other sentence with “but I probably shouldn’t say that around here.” When you seem him in the Holiday food line or Conference Room L6W100 (where all the food is), he will inevitably say “Merry Christmas”, followed by a sarcastic laugh, and then proceed to pontificate on the deplorable state our nation is in when we are forced by the liberals to call it a “holiday” party. At this point, you are at a cross roads – you can tacitly agree with him, nodding and laughing and stuffing Costco cream puffs into your face so you don’t have to say anything, or you can take the fun road by nodding and laughing and wishing him a Happy Kwanza. For best effect, be African American at this moment if you can.
Tip 2. Dealing with the guy who knows your name and all your kids’ names, but whose name you have never known in the 5 years you’ve both worked there. To you, his name is “hey there good morning!” or “good weekend?” You’ve always assumed he’s never noticed that you don’t actually know his name, but lately you’ve had your doubts, stemming from the fact that he now says your name five or six times during any cursory exchange: “yes John, I had a good weekend, John. And you John? Did you, John, and little Johnny and Susie go to that park you mentioned, John? Huh, JOHN?” At such moments you suspect that he might actually be stalking you and little Johnny and Susie. And so at the Holiday Party it is best to avoid him. If you do end up in line right next to him (which will most likely happen), face the other way and pretend like you are having a heated cell phone conversation. Use profanity and start to cry. The idea is to make him uncomfortable enough to not want to say hello. If the food line is long, you may need to begin physically harming yourself – cutting or scratching and the like. Remember, uncomfortable is the state you’d like him to be in. Then slip into the rest room when he’s not looking.
Tip 3. Know who is important. This is not always as easy as it seems as you learned the hard way at that retirement party last month. Remember? The fat old dottering guy with the coffee breath and the cake frosting on his face that no one told him about, the guy you made the sarcastic comment to about being a pig? Yeah, that guy. The guy who turned out to be the politically appointed boss of your bosses boss. (He’s the kind of guy who keeps an enemies list, by the way.) It’s tempting to make a fool of the higher-ups at such events. Which brings up name tags. They make you wear a name tag so the deputy undersecretary of whatever can greet you by name and make you feel ever so important, so wouldn’t it be funny if you put “Stu” on your name tag instead of your real name? Or his name? His full name, including his middle initial? Or an unpronounceable ethnic name of which ethnicity you are obviously not (like “Seamus” for instance)? Funny? Yes. Will it elevate you in the eyes of your coworkers? How could it not? But don’t do it. Until I’m there to see it, that is.
Tip 4. Know who is really important. There are certain people in any given FOB (that’s Federal Office Building for those of you pretending not to know) who can make your life easy, or make your life difficult. It’s your choice. These are the people who schedule your meetings and format your memos, the people who empty the trash and replace light bulbs. Make sure you are nice to them at the Holiday party. Go out of your way to invite them, even if it’s not your party. Because you want to choose wisely and not end up being the guy sitting in the dark office, with your trash can overflowing, your memos unformatted and no meetings to go to, now do you? Come on, it’s the holidays!
Tip 5. If everyone else is dancing, dance. Needless to say, no one should dance at work. Not at a retirement party, not in their own cubicle, not to Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, not ever. EVER. Because you don’t want to see that lady dance and she might join in. (You know who I’m talking about.) But, there is one exception: at the Christmas party, if everyone is dancing, especially the people in Tips 4 and 5, then you sure better be dancing. Life is about fitting in. Besides, you’re a much better dancer than you think you are. No, really, you are! You’re not “that lady.” At least not to everyone. To some people, probably. But better safe than sorry. Go along to get along, I always say.
If you heed my advice, you are sure to have a happy and safe Federal Office Holiday Party season! Unless you're Christmas Guy. But you like to be miserable, anyway.
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